Today is one of those days where I obsess over something small to avoid thinking about more serious topics. My obsession today -- at least the main one -- is acne. My acne went away for the most part (besides one or two smallish volcano pimps that I seemed to constantly have) in November and December. But since last month, it has slowly regained its foothold on my face. It's a little painful, yes. And it takes forever to cover all these pimps with concealer each morning. But mostly, it just sucks being an adult with moderate-severe acne. Everyone told me it would go away when I got out of my teenage years, but it just got worse. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel powerless to manage it. I feel insecure. Sometimes I even feel that people judge me, like my skin is "dirty" and that's what causes my acne. But really, as I go about my day, my acne is not usually on my mind. I only feel those feelings sometimes. I know there's only so much I can do, and so I try not to dwell.
However. I've been obsessing for a good three hours. Reading articles, flipping through a book my mom bought me about holistic acne management, and scouring the internet for face products with just the right list of ingredients.
And I know it's silly. I know it is. And honestly I think I am just stressed about my next exam, various papers and projects that are all due quite soon, how dirty my apartment is, finding a summer job, figuring out how to by a volunteer at the local hospital, the possibility of running another marathon next fall (with a friend of mine who is fast), and a lot of body insecurity issues that have been on my mind almost constantly for the past few months. I feel guilty and overwhelmed with all of it, and it's much easier to obsess over my face. Or my body. Or running.
So, I don't really know how to end this. Because honestly, as soon as I click "publish" I'm going to dive back into searching for a cure for my acne. And my jiggly thighs. And my incredibly slow running pace. I guess I just wanted to come clean. Hopefully tomorrow I can tackle some of these to-do's and I will feel better.
However. I've been obsessing for a good three hours. Reading articles, flipping through a book my mom bought me about holistic acne management, and scouring the internet for face products with just the right list of ingredients.
And I know it's silly. I know it is. And honestly I think I am just stressed about my next exam, various papers and projects that are all due quite soon, how dirty my apartment is, finding a summer job, figuring out how to by a volunteer at the local hospital, the possibility of running another marathon next fall (with a friend of mine who is fast), and a lot of body insecurity issues that have been on my mind almost constantly for the past few months. I feel guilty and overwhelmed with all of it, and it's much easier to obsess over my face. Or my body. Or running.
So, I don't really know how to end this. Because honestly, as soon as I click "publish" I'm going to dive back into searching for a cure for my acne. And my jiggly thighs. And my incredibly slow running pace. I guess I just wanted to come clean. Hopefully tomorrow I can tackle some of these to-do's and I will feel better.
oh fujii. thank you for the courage involved to write this. i love knowing, really, truly, what's going on in that head of yours.
ReplyDeletefirst things first...
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. you are lovely. no one thinks you are dirty. there is probably no harsher critic of your own skin and body than yourself. remember to be kind to yourself, the way you would be kind to a loved one. and IF anyone is passing judgment on you for your skin, they are petty, small, sad people who pretend life is a game because the only way they know how to feel okay is to make up rules that make them the winners and others the losers. these people need to be set free by love, but you are not going to get caught up playing their games, because it's exhausting and because it has nothing to do with the kingdom of God.
secondly: i think it is so wise and perceptive of you to notice that stress about other areas of your life has reached a climax, so to deal with that, you choose to focus all that delicious intensity of yours onto something that feels a little more manageable. lots of people do this, but they don't usually realize the ways in which all the anxiety in their lives are connected. for you to see these connections is so very wise! good for you.
rather than choosing more stress as an outlet for all that other stress, i would love to see you choosing peace and kindness to your body and your mind and your schedule, instead of being so hard on yourself. for people like us, it can be easy to fixate, and so terribly hard to let go. nevertheless: you MUST learn to let go. this is something you will probably work on for the rest of your life, but is a battle worth fighting, a choice worth choosing, a lesson worth learning. letting go (with school, body issues, homework, apartment cleanliness, way-in-the-future-plans like marathon running, fill in the blank...) will free you from a lot of lies that say you have to try and be in control of everything. you don't. in fact, you can't. letting go will also open you up to the delight of watching things unfold, and seeing God move. you will learn something about trust, with God and with people around you. you will also be free from the illusion that obsessing over things allows you to control the outcome. this doesn't actually work, and it usually does quite a bit of harm to the worrier.
have we talked about sabbath days before? by sabbath, i mean setting aside a day on a regular basis to do things that re-charge and rejuvenate you. sabbaths create space for rest and reflection internally; they let you recover, and they also let you possibly dig into what is causing continued anxiety/body issue worries/etc. sabbath activities might involve prayer, journaling, walks, meditation, cooking, creative acts, conversation with trusted loved ones...there are lots of options. the main point is to be gentle with yourself, let yourself uncoil, and sift through the reasons why you are choosing anxiety instead of leaning into the God of peace and joy and forgiveness. i know it may feel like it's impossible to squeeze this into your busy schedule, but i think it is imperative to your overall health. what do you gain if you get the whole world (the grades, the timing on your mile, the stylish apartment) and lose your soul/sanity/joy for living?
oh my friend, i am so passionate about this because of my own struggle with anxiety and fixating. i love you dearly and my heart hurts to hear you describe this anxiety and self-loathing i know all too well. i want us both to know freedom. i wish you well on your to-do list, but i am also praying for your transformation and well-being. i want you to feel secure, loved, and anchored, even through the crazy, hectic seasons of life. may your roots go down deep into God's love and find relief there.
Matthew 11:28-30
ReplyDelete“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”
Jesus is true relief, true living, true light. may you find rest in him!
i love thee.
SJ, I love everything you've said. I just feel like I'm back to feeling how I did in high school. I think I'm just feeling stressed and insecure and looking to all the wrong things to give me security. And a sabbath day sounds nice, I'm going to consider doing that. I could even do it for part of the day (since the weekends are my main time for studying). Thank you, friend.
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